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    Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    Thought you lot would appreciate this

    "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."

    Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'

    "I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."

    "We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

    About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean."

    ..."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"

    "America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for w****r"

    On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

    Clarkson on the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
    Hammond: "So its fairly terrible then?"
    Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

    "some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that Jade Goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"

    "the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

    "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."

    'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

    "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

    "The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler"

    (Fed up during the caravanning trip): "You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

    (Mercedes CLs55): "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

    "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

    Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'

    "I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i."

    "Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"

    "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

    On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French Air Force crashing into a firework factory."

    "Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."

    In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

    "the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

    Assessing Hammond's crash:
    Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
    Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
    Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, but if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

    "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer."

    "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

    "There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face"

    "Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."

    "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

    "you can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I wont go to stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"

    Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

    Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    haha, he's funny! He really is..

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    Oh my word ... I just couldn't stop laughing You gotta admit, he's absolutely hilarious

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    I totally agree. Some of his quotes are destined to become classic IMO .

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

    LOL! I like his analogies.

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    Here are some more:

    [about Ferrari Enzo] I rang up Jay Kay, who's got one, and said, "You know, can we borrow yours?" and he said, "Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."

    [about Ford GT40] Was this the greatest hypercar of them all ? Well, that's a question I've never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.

    [about TVR Tuscan 2] You see, my wife loves this car. She loves the noise and the vibrations and the sense of danger and the way that when you over-rev it, the whole dash lights up like a baboon's backside. Richard Hammond on the other hand, he pretty much hates it. He says its too difficult and too complicated and that all the stitching in here looks like the kind of stitching you find when someone's tried to mend their own shoes.

    [When driving the McLaren Mercedes SLR through a tunnel] When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said "Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!" They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.

    [while playing the video game Gran Turismo] Aston Martin DB9, that's not a racecar, that's pornography.

    [on the Corvette Z06] ... as something to live with every day, I'd rather have bird flu.

    About the BMW Z3
    And if you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here's your car

    About the Rolls Royce Phantom
    I imagined that driving this car through a village would be a bit like trying to thread an oil rig through someone's letterbox.

    Random Quotes from Clarkson
    A turbo: Exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

    Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary. That's what gets you.

    We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.

    Biathletes need to eat 6.000 calories a day: six thousand! That's the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 TWIX bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!

    I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time.

    The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany

    The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler.

    Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some blokes sweaty face.

    It's, um, a mobile phone holder, or as Richard Hammond calls it, a seat!

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    About the BMW Z3
    And if you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here's your car


    HAHAHA!

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    Doesn't Mike own one (Z3) ?

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    I'm not sure if he still owns it but he had a stunning Mcoupe tunned by Schnitzer I think. My parents used to have an Mcoupe and man that was a fun little car.

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    Fantastic, enjoyed reading them (as well as remember when Jeremy said it, so honest, apart from the Cayenne comments obviously, hi hi hi)

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    god i love those!!
    especially the one about Ferrari Enzo!

    lOL!

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    Whether love him (as I do) or hate him, you have to admire him. There is no other automobile reviewer that I know of that can turn a phrase as he does. AND usually he is right on or as our British friends say "spot on". One very entertaining reporter. I wish we had someone like that in the US.

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    some MORE:

    It [Hummer H2] is a Roman orgy, a Hawaiian barbecue, a Viennese waltz, and a helicopter gunship attack on Las Vegas, all rolled into one.

    See the trees smile at me as I waft by [In a Toyota Prius]. And watch the children run into the road, because they haven't heard me coming.

    Old Jags were all full of wood and pipe tobacco. It was like being inside James May.

    Cadillacs are for pimps and pensioners. And that's an end of it.

    There are shanty towns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!

    Braking in this car [Mercedes CLS55 AMG] is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss

    It [Koenigsegg CCX] sounds like the Norse god of thunder gargling a hammer.

    It's like listening to the Cirque du Soleil being chopped up by their own chainsaws.

    It costs Volkswagen Pounds200 to buy a set of four fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. Kia could probably make a couple of cars for that.

    Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they'll blow up.

    I'd rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

    Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you've got the ebola virus and you're about to sneeze.

    Listen to that noise! It [Mercedes CLS55 AMG] sounds like Barry White eating wasps.

    The Ferrari 355 is like a quail's egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts' belly button.

    Ferrari: A scaled-down version of God.

    Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill and then run over him again for good measure. They are designed to melt ice caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands and turn the entire third world into a huge uninhabitable desert.

    [about Ferrari Enzo] I rang up Jay Kay, who's got one, and said, "You know, can we borrow yours?" and he said, "Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."

    [about Ford GT40] Was this the greatest hypercar of them all ? Well, that's a question I've never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.

    [about TVR Tuscan 2] You see, my wife loves this car. She loves the noise and the vibrations and the sense of danger and the way that when you over-rev it, the whole dash lights up like a baboon's backside. Richard Hammond on the other hand, he pretty much hates it. He says its too difficult and too complicated and that all the stitching in here looks like the kind of stitching you find when someone's tried to mend their own shoes.

    [When driving the McLaren Mercedes SLR through a tunnel] When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said "Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!" They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.

    [while playing the video game Gran Turismo] Aston Martin DB9, that's not a racecar, that's pornography.

    [on the Corvette Z06] ... as something to live with every day, I'd rather have bird flu.

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    Quote:
    nberry said:
    Whether love him (as I do) or hate him, you have to admire him. There is no other automobile reviewer that I know of that can turn a phrase as he does. AND usually he is right on or as our British friends say "spot on". One very entertaining reporter. I wish we had someone like that in the US.



    Nick, if you could get him a green card I for one would be eternally grateful to you.

    It wouldn't stop me telling you what I think of your posts, so you wouldn't notice the difference, but the thought of that bigot Clarkson permanently having to live in America, amongst Americans, would be so amusing that I would nevertheless be permanently grateful to you.

    The guy is a clown who either can write good one-liners or who has a good script-writer, but please do not refer to him as an "automobile reviewer", otherwise I will immediately have to start expressing doubts about your judgement and objectivity again.

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    Quote:
    fritz said:... the thought of that bigot Clarkson permanently having to live in America, amongst Americans, would be so amusing that I would nevertheless be permanently grateful to you.

    The guy is a clown who either can write good one-liners or who has a good script-writer, but please do not refer to him as an "automobile reviewer", otherwise I will immediately have to start expressing doubts about your judgement and objectivity again.



    Took the words right out of my mouth

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    Quote:
    Carlos from Spain said:
    Quote:
    fritz said:... the thought of that bigot Clarkson permanently having to live in America, amongst Americans, would be so amusing that I would nevertheless be permanently grateful to you.

    The guy is a clown who either can write good one-liners or who has a good script-writer, but please do not refer to him as an "automobile reviewer", otherwise I will immediately have to start expressing doubts about your judgement and objectivity again.



    Took the words right out of my mouth



    Carlos, if you had all those words in your mouth at one time, you really need of these drinks to wash them down with!

    Take your pick, cerveza or rioja, the next one's on me.

    PS: Maybe that should be cervesa? Why worry, as long as it is nice and cold.

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes



    A bit ashamed to say it as I come from whine country/region but I rarely drink alcohol but ebenthough I may not enjoy the cerveza, I would enjoy the company though so all is good

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    Personally I think the real clown is that Vicky Butler-b!tch of Fifth gear show which looked promising at the beginning but turned out to be an extremely boring and dull series. Today I think it has a worldwide audience of 6 people only.

    I don't agree with a lot of Clarkson's comment but they are nonetheless very funny and entertaining. Without a doubt his show is the #1 in the world and with Hammond & May they make the perfect trio.

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    JC is very funny but when it comes down to it a very biased british clown. every single word out of his mouth is his opinion, which is fine as long as people realize this.

    I love how he hates Porsche with a passion and was shut up by the mighty CGT! He was blown away.. goes to tell about the true perfectness of the car.

    ha, pretty much want your car! lol.

    Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

    The new series of Fifth Gear started here in the UK on Monday. It was soooo boring I kept looking at the clock wondering why time has slowed down

     
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